return counter picks

San Diego's nailbiter gets me to 1-0 for the week. But here's the rest of my picks... save your receipt...

GB -13.5

Oakland +3

Cincinnati -13.5

Atlanta -8

Houston +1

Carolina +8.5

New Orleans -14

Jax +9.5

Baltimore +3

Philly -7

St. Louis +15

San Fran -14

Indy -3.5

Dallas -7

Minny -7

Ho-Ho-Holiday losers

after a 1-1 start to the weekend (thanks, New Orleans!), we plug away at another week...

GB +2

Miami +5

Buffalo +7

Detroit +14

San Fran +7.5

Atlanta +7

Chicago +11

KC -2

Houston -14

Cincinnati +7

Denver -14

Seattle -6.5

Minnesota -9

Giants -3

We can build on this!

This week, we play to win the games. We're talking playoffs. We are who we think we are. We're men... We're 40. Playoffs?!?!

Indy -6.5

Minny -6.5

Tampa +4

Buffalo -2

GB -4

NO -10

Detroit +14

Miami +2

Carolina +13

Seattle +7

Tennessee -13

Washington -1

San Diego +3.5

NYGiants +1

Arizona +3.5

You Win

I give up, fate. You got me. Just to show you I submit, give me the Browns and 10.5 tonight.

Corky's Back!!

Losers as far as the eye can see can mean only one thing... Corky is alive and well and living in Paris!! So, here comes another week of 5-11...

KC +6

Oakland +15

Houston -2

Indy -6.5

Atlanta +5.5

Detroit +13

NO -9.5

Tampa +5

St Louis +9

San Diego -13.5

San Fran -1

Minnesota -3.5

NYGiants +1.5

New England -4

Green Bay -3.5

coming clean...

I've been awful lately. Miami Dolphins Awful. Can I turn it around? The Bills and Jets play in Toronto tonight. And, when in Rome, or Toronto, take the CFL Quarterback. So it's the Bills plus the three tonight.

leftover picks

Indy -3.5

Cincy -13.5

Chicago +10.5

Washington +9.5

Miami -3

Arizona +2.5

St. Louis +4

Atlanta -12

Carolina +3

San Fran -3

KC +13.5

Baltimore -7.5

NE +2

putting the ass in green bean casserole

they say all dogs go to heaven. I say all dogs go to the pay window. Take Detroit and the 12, Oakland and the 13.5, and Denver and the 6. Then tomorrow, blow it all on an overpriced TV.

week whatever this is...

Det -3

Jax -8.5

KC +10.5

Indy -1.5

NYG -7

GB -6.5

Minny -10.5

Wash +11

NO -10.5

Zona -9

NE -11

Cincy -9.5

SD -5

Chi +3

Houston -4

thursday night special

Boy, there's nothing like talking yourself into picking Carolina, and then seeing they're a three point favorite. Both these teams seem perfectly capable of crapping the bed tonight. Oh, well, I guess it's Carolina -3. Although this game seems like it's got push written all over it.

brass bell picks

this week looks like the buffet at the Golden Corral: a couple of good choices, and abunch of junk to fill you up, but leave you ultimately depressed you even came...

Jax +6.5

Denver -3.5

Cincy +7

Tennessee -8

Minny -17

NO -14

Atlanta -1.5

Miami -10

KC +2

Arizona -8.5

SD pick

Dallas -3

NE +2.5

Cleveland +11

stumbling out of mediocrity...

here we go again...

KC +6.5

Cincy +3

Houston +8.5

Atlanta -9

GB -10

Arizona +3

Miami +10.5

NO -12.5

Detroit +10

SF -4

SD +5

Philly -3

Denver +3

Broken Car, Broken Computer, Broken Picks?

Bad week. Must Hurry.

Denver +3.5

Cleveland +13

Houston -3.5

Indy -13.5

Miami +3.5

Detroit -4

Dallas -9.5

Giants -1

Oakland +16.5

Jax +3

Minny -3 (ugh)

Arizona -10

Atlanta +11

microwave Corky

11-3.


11-3.


Eleven and three.


54-36 so far.

Today's specials...

KC + 5.5
Indy -14.5
Chicago pk
GB -9
Minny +6
NE -15.5
Houston -3
Jets -6.5
Buffalo +7
NO -6.5
Atlanta + 4.5
Giants -7
Philly -7

notes and observances on week 6

so 7-7 for the week, and 43-33 for the year. A solid start, although we've given a bit back as of late...

(Corky's picks, as always, are the first teams listed)

Kansas City +6.5 @ Washington

I still don't think Washington can beat anyone by a touchdown, even a hot mess like the Chiefs. Interesting note, Jim Zorn will be the last coach in the NFL to be fired, in an alphabetical list of fired coaches.

Houston + 5.5 @ Cincinnati

All 5 of Cincinnati's games have come down to the final minutes of play. Which leads me to believe that this one should be close. Plus it's time for Houston to put up or shut up. I'm ready to jump off their ship if they take one more week off.

Cleveland +14 @ Pittsburgh

Hey, has anyone noticed that the Steelers are pretty awful so far this year? My hunch is that it has to do with Troy Polamalu's ridiculously effeminate Head 'n' Shoulders commercials. And yes, Cleveland is awful, too. But I just see Pittsburgh doing just enough to win, and not enough to cover.

Minnesota -3 vs. Baltimore

Did you see how Brett Favre just picked apart the Ravens' weak secondary? The way he's picking them apart makes me want to do unspeakable things to him in front of his lovely wife... Sorry, I accidentally started channeling every color analyst in the NFL there for a moment.

Indianapolis -7 vs. the AFC

Is Bob Sanders healthy? Can you name anyone else on their defense besides Sanders and Dwight Freeney? Am I their fourth wide receiver? Who knows, and who cares? I just think Peyton Manning decided this offseason he was tired of everyone talking about everyone else in the league. Can't you see him on the set of another hilarious commercial, slapping a cup of not-hot-enough coffee from the hands of a PA, screaming "I'm Peyton F'n Manning!! Don't bring me tepid coffee! I'm gonna win it all this year! Now let's make some product-pitching magic!"

St. Louis +9.5 @ L.A. Jaguars of Jacksonville

Has anything good ever come out of Jacksonville other than the Patriots' Super Bowl Win? I guess this is bad news for L.A., or Orlando, or Vegas, or wherever the Jags go in a few years. Because they won't be a good thing coming out of Jacksonville, either.

New Orleans -3 vs. NY Giants

This is Eli Manning's first game in the Superdome. And, to reiterate an earlier point, Archie Manning will not be at the game; instead, he'll be watching Peyton play Rock Band: The Beatles at his house on the bye week.

Carolina -3 @ Tampa Bay

Wow, I remember when this game was good. But, like I always say, you can't bet against Jake Delhomme when playing an awful team with a quarterback you don't know on grass that may or may not have been chewed up by the U2 360 Tour.

Miami +10 over Corky

At least they were playing the Jets. That's what I was telling myself.

Green Bay -14 vs. Detroit

Sorry, Daunte. But the covering magic of last week won't help you here. Without a healthy Calvin Johnson, the Lions don't have the juice in this one.

Philly -14 @ Oakland

How freaky will this weekend be for Donovan McNabb? When he looks across the sidelines at Jamarcus Russell, he have a frighteningly eerie glimpse into what he'll look like after retiring and putting on 75 pounds.

Arizona +3 @ Seattle

Ugh. At least now I know I'm not addicted to gambling. Because I really don't want to pick this game. I'll just take the points, and we'll not speak of this moment.

Expectations pk over San Francisco

Hey, what's that over the hill? Is that an 8-8 record??

NY Jets -9.5 vs. Buffalo

Right now, someone in Buffalo is thinking, "Boy, do I miss J.P. Losman." And that's all I have to say about that.

Tony Roma's -2 vs. Tony Romo

Tomy Roma's is one of the best 10 chain restaurants in America for ribs. Tony Romo is not one of America's 10 best quarterbacks.

New England -9.5 vs. Tennessee

America's Greatest 0-5 team, the Titans, has picked a great week to have 2 injured cornerbacks... against a New England team coming off of a loss. You guys have fun with that, OK?

Atlanta -3 vs Chicago

The old adage is, if a team is favored by 3 at home, Vegas thinks the teams are pretty much even. I can't help but agree. So I guess I'll cop out and take the Dome field advantage.

Denver +3.5 @ San Diego

...Which means that Vegas thinks that San Diego is better than Denver!? OK, then. I'll be taking these Huggies, and whatever cash ya got.

As always, I'll accept no cash, just your eternal gratefulness.

quik pix week 5

5-9 last week (boo)

36-26 season (yeah)

Minnesota -10.5
KC +7.5
Washington +4
Tampa +15.5
Oakland +15.5
Buffalo -6
Cincinnati +8.5
Detroit +10.5
San Fran -2.5
NE -3
Houston +5.5
Jax +1.5
Indy -4
Miami +2

Laugh later, I did take all 3 Florida teams. That's how much I dislike this week.

The perils of being Corky

...who is 31-17, by the way (because I did pick Indy +3 last week, but didn't transcribe it to the post. I wrote it down, I can verify it if you don't believe me).

But people want to be me so bad that they're reduced to trying to break in to my home to get my picks. They're right here, dude. Free and clear as always.

Corky still will not take a Florida team, regardless of the spread. And you shouldn't either.

Houston -8.5
Tennessee -3
NE -1.5
Cincinnati -6.5
NYG -9
Detroit +10
Washington -8
Indy -10
NYJ +7.5
Buffalo Pk
StL +9.5
Denver +3
San Diego +6.5
GB +4

Corky's Revenge

12-4, Baby!!!

20-12 for the season so far. But Corky's only got quick picks this week, as he'll explain later...

so...

Tennessee +2
Houston -3.5
Philly -7.5
Cleveland + 13.5
Giants -6.5
Detroit + 6.5
Green Bay -6.5
San Fran +7
Atlanta +4.5
Chicago -2.5
New Orleans -6
San Diego -5.5
Cincinnati +3.5
Denver -2
Carolina +8.5

Week 2 Corkers

Corky Says...

You can't judge a season by the first week. Too many odd things can happen. Injuries, crazy tipped touchdowns, good or bad debuts, Jake Delhomme. But I did go 8-8. A solid start, which can only lead to bigger and better things...

PICKS in CAPS

OAKLAND (+3) @ Kansas City

I believe in Oakland. The magic is back in silver and black. Well, lets just say I believe in Oakland in as much as someone has to finish second in the AFC West.

HOUSTON (+7) @ Tennessee

Houston is much better than they showed against the Jets. And remember, there's always turnover in playoff teams between seasons. Tennessee seems like such a likely choice to miss the playoffs. If they were any more likely, they'd be the Miami Dolphins.

NEW ENGLAND (-3.5) @ NY Jets

People love the Jets. New coach, rookie QB, big defense; they think they're looking at the 2008 Ravens. And while everyone goes ga-ga for the Jets, you and the Corkster will make money. Because the Patriots have one Thomas J. Brady, Esq.

@ GREEN BAY (-9.5) vs. Cincinnati

A moment of silence for the 2009 Bengals. Even if they hadn't grasped defeat from the jaws of victory, the facts show they scored 7 points at home against Denver. That's bad. Not a good omen, if you will.

MINNESOTA (-10) @ Detroit

The Lions didn't look as horrible as 2008. We like that. But I guess Adrian Peterson still notices that they're still the Lions. And he's still Adrian Peterson.

NEW ORLEANS (-1) @ Philadelphia

Alright, raise your hand if you had Philadelphia winning the NFC this year. I want to laugh at you. Seriously. I've been saying this for years, and I'll keep saying it until someone believes me... we have seen the best of Donovan McNabb. He will not see the playoffs in an Eagles jersey EVER AGAIN. New Orleans wins by two touchdowns.

CAROLINA (+6) @ Atlanta

When you're wrong, you're wrong. I thought Jake Delhomme was done. Fantasy anathema, gambling enigma, one bad game away from being the franchise player of the Florida Tuskers. And now everyone's running away from him like he's on fire. And when all the money's going one way, Corky goes the other.

ST. LOUIS (+9.5) @ Washington

Yikes. I don't think Washington can beat anyone by 10 points. Including Miami.

ARIZONA (+3) @ Jacksonville

I know, I know. West coast team, playing at 1 p.m. on the East Coast. But making Jacksonville a favorite implies that they are better than another NFL team. I refuse to believe this.

@ SAN FRANCISCO (-1) vs. Seattle

Only because San Fran's defense might be good, and Seattle's defense might all be on the injured list.

@ BUFFALO (-4.5) vs. Tampa Bay

I'm not convinced. I know Tampa ran all over the Dallas defense. But you have to believe in something, and I believe Tampa Bay is the worst team in football. And if that means taking Buffalo and giving points, such is the gambler's curse.

@ DENVER (-3) vs. Cleveland

McDaniels vs. Mangini in another titanic clash of Ex-Patriot assistants. In watching just how inept these ex-Patriot coaches are, we should all appreciate Bill Belichick a little bit more.

BALTIMORE (+3) @ San Diego

Now would be a good time to get on the Ravens' bandwagon. And it's not like San Diego cares about this game. The weather's still great in San Diego, and 6-10 could still win the AFC West.

@ CHICAGO (+3) vs. Pittsburgh

I can't prove this, but I think someone switched Jay Cutler's Gatorade with Kool-Aid Sunday night. It wouldn't shock me. It would shock him, though. And didn't someone tell Troy Polamalu about the Head 'n' Shoulders curse?

@ DALLAS (-3) vs. NY Giants

I believe it was the great Samuel Taylor Coleridge who once wrote "In Arlington did Jerry Jones/A stately pleasure dome decree..." And Corky's gambling adage #434 states: never bet against a team playing its first home game underneath a scoreboard the size of a blue whale.

INDIANAPOLIS (-3) @ Miami

Nothing like ending the week with an easy win. I don't care if it's Hank Baskett, Charlie Bucket, Jar Jar Binks, or Sarah Pail-in catching balls from America's Greatest Commercial Star, Peyton Manning.

And when we go to sleep on Monday night, America will sleep better knowing that we've all made money, and the Dolphins are horrible again.

Corky's quick picks for the week.

Corky's a little hung over today, so he sent us a quick message with his award-winning NFL picks for today...

Corky says...

Atlanta -4
Baltimore -12.5
Carolina +2.s
Cincinnati -4.5
Minnesota -4
Houston -4.5
Indy -6.5
Detroit + 13.5
Dallas -5
San Fran +6
Wash +6.5
Seattle -7.5
GB -4
NE -11
SD -9.5

Someone's gonna get rich tonight...
C

De Rigueur

(Because I'm compelled)

Regrettably, I've worked in the restaurant industry now for almost half of my life. One of the periodic annoyances of the job is the regular visit of the upper muckers. Their title is immaterial; regional vice president, district manager, department head, auditor, it doesn't matter. Nothing puts the fear of your favorite supreme being in a restaurant manager like the visit of the bosses.

So we clean things that haven't been cleaned in months. Employee files are updated, offices are pristine, the A-crew is brought in to work the entire shift. All the things that could be done easily if they were matters of habit become Herculean projects done in panic mode. All for one moment, one visit that often lasts for no more than an hour.

After the visit, we make an effort to keep things tidy for a couple of months, or weeks, or days. But eventually, we return to the old ways, doing the minimum to get by until the next quarterly visit, when panic sets in again.

Today is our nation's annual visit.

And today, people I admire and respect come close to grasping the significance of the event.

[OK, For the next few moments, I'm going to assume I'm right. This is usually an easy task for me, but I understand that it might be a bit of a conceit here. And I'm not putting down anyone's opinion. I suppose I'm just putting mine one shelf higher. Whoops.]

We watch videos of the events, of our reactions to said events. We remember where we were, and how it made us feel, and how for a few moments after what happened, we were a little nicer, a little friendlier, a little bit better. The offices were clean, the floors swept, the fixtures buffed and polished.

I suppose these are all good things. But like almost all changes for the better, they don't stick. It's our nature. We stop jogging, we have another slice of pie, or one last last cigarette, or one more for the road. Old habits always die hard.

And so, in an act that even I think is a bit too morbid (!), we look back on how good things were for a brief moment after things were so bad. But do we really have any intention of keeping things that way? I've said on any number of occasions that I'm going to change things in my life. And every now and then, I start doing things that just might change my existence for the better. But it's the middle of the day, Jerry Springer's still on my TV, there was way too much butter on the toast I just ate, and I can't imagine me going out for a walk after dinner.

For better or for worse, we are creatures of habit. And I can't help but imagine us doing this same thing every year for much of the next century. Until the next generation passes away, 9/11 will still be a current event. And we'll remember the shock, the ruthlessness, the cunning, the brutal simplicity, the simple brutality. And we'll think of how the country came together in those next weeks, the courage and bravery of strangers, the sacrifice of civilian volunteers; how those who are so nameless and so faceless ever so briefly had names, faces, families, friends, pulses. And tomorrow, we'll watch Notre Dame-Michigan, or we'll go to work, or buy a TV, or grill a burger. Evening always comes, morning always follows.

I know what you're thinking (or, more accurately, I know what I'd be thinking if I were you). Any moron with a Republican seat in Congress or an AM radio talk show can be a contrarian. Why not show some grit and come up with something better.

OK.

So we'll always be affected by 9/11. This is a given. But what we all try to take from it is what we did for those short few weeks after the fact. So let's run with that, but with better distribution.

Pick a month, but not the month of your birth. I'll go with... April. Then pick a day in that month with no particular significance to you... the 23rd, in my case (alright, the one of you who knows I'm kind of cheating here. But they're dead now, so it gives my crap-ass memory one more reason to remember the day). Go to your cell phone, PDA, computer, planning software, desk calendar... whatever you may use to schedule your life. On the date you picked, simply write "Remember 9/12".

And then do it. Bake something for your office. Give blood. Serve meals at a homeless shelter. Donate time or money (or both) to the USO. Take the time to do something you haven't done in a while, but the memory of which comes rushing back to you in times of reflection on selflessness, or sharing, or going the extra mile, or just being nice for no particular reason. Something simple. Something small. Something within your means. Something. Anything.

So now we can remember that, in those dark times, we didn't fall apart. We didn't topple, or burn, or crash or fall even though that's what those very few hoped. In those weeks after 9/11, we amazed even ourselves with our reaction. But in our new world, the greatest thing we can do is make that reaction our action.

And if someone asks you why, tell them you're remembering that no matter what happens, the human spirit endures. We are capable of much better good than we are evil. Evening always comes, but Morning always follows.

Corky's Here!

Football season can mean one thing, and one thing only...

Corky's Back!

And he's ready to make someone some money with his football picks. He's got more in store on Saturday, but for tonight, he says take the Steelers to cover.

HELP WANTED!! Exciting Temp Job

Looking for A 30+ U.S. citizen living in Florida for an exciting temporary employment opportunity. Must be available until early 2011, with no desire for gainful employment after. Must love drug (company) money, drilling for offshore oil, and criticizing and submarining any and all government attempts to end economic troubles without offering viable alternatives. NO TAXERS, PLEASE!! Send resume and shirtless pic to ShamMarriage69@florida.gov.us EOE, especially for old white males.

Corky's Back!!

A couple of days ago, I had the distinct pleasure to speak with my good friend Corky. For those of you who don't know Corky, he is Rhode Island's top football prognosticator, offering money-making picks to anyone, free of charge.

He's looking forward to the season, and has decided to make The Natural Blog his home for all things football this season. So be on the lookout for Corky's Picks all year long.

My First Apology

I realize I've been horribly remiss over the past 36 hours, so I feel obliged to make up for it. I would like to formally apologize to the Mexican National Soccer Team.

I didn't properly acknowledge their 5-0 win over the U.S. in the finals of the CONCACAF Gold Cup Sunday. I should have made more of a deal of this, and for that I am truly sorry.

I understand how great a moment this must be. Because when your World Cup qualifying performance is shakier than your drug enforcement, and when you go through team managers like they were flour tortillas, and when you complain about every loss like you got shorted $1 billion on your bailout package, you probably want a little mas tequila after a 5-0 win over the U.S. D Squad. Yup. You've solidified your claim as one of the best four teams in the region. Party Down. Arriba, Arriba!!

But not too hard, OK? Tomorrow's a work day here.

Dammit, Aretha

I suppose it would be a fair assessment to say that I've been in a slump. I haven't been in the best of moods, I'm not producing any work of value, I'm in a rut. Pure and simple.

If I were a baseball team, it would be time to go slumpbusting. If you're not familiar with the term, it involves convincing a member of the team to go into a bar and, usually, find the biggest woman he can find, and get to know her biblically. But since Aretha Franklin won't return my calls, I've decided to go old school.

Those of you who know me may not know all of my history. When I used to work at MegaHappyCorp, I gained a reputation for topical, rapid-fire sarcasm (please note, none of those previous adjectives refer to the relative quality of the efforts. I'm out of the promising quality business. Well, except for Corky's Super Guaranteed 100% 67 star All-Winners Football Picks, coming soon to this space). Of course, lacking for originality, I often borrowed other formats for my humor. I would write the occasional song parody (one of which is actually NOT lost to history, but has a limited audience which, luckily for you, isn't here). But my favorite was the Top Ten List.

So, let's give this a go again. Hit me with your comments and critiques, because if I'm gonna get back on this horse, I'll need some help...

Without further ado...

Luke's Top Ten summer water park pick-up lines.

As you may or may not know, Orlando's water parks have been plagued with a rash of pedophiles sexually assaulting visitors. I thought, "Hey, why can't I get in on this action?" So here we go, kids

10. Can I put my lotion on your back?

9. Does this bulge make my Speedo look big?

8. Do you like tubing?

7. What a coincidence, I'm free on your birthday, too!!

6. And this is AFTER shrinkage!!

5. Wanna go down the Black Hole?

4. Would you like to come to my celebration of the legacy of Michael Jackson?

3. Guess what's in my Thermos? Here's a hint: it rhymes with Schmike's Hard Lemonade.

2. Let's play monorail... you be Purple and I'll be Pink.

And Luke's #1 summer water park pick-up line...

1. Gosh, you look wet.


I'll be out of the office for the next couple of days, so drop us a line, and I'll try to bring the old magic back...

Johann's all greased and ready.

You are truly doing yourself a disservice if you've never seen Das Boot. Clear yourself 5 hours, get the DVD, and enjoy. There is a moment in the film when a ranking officer asks the torpedo launcher? (gunner? firer? triggerman? Shannon Burke?) if he has prepared his payload. The question translates, roughly I assume, as "Is Johann all greased and ready?" Well, kids, let's have some fun...

7 weeks ago I returned to the working world. Where I work has two basic groups of employees, goofy-looking men and good-looking women. I like most everyone I work with. But, and you know where this is going, there is this one guy.

For sake of discussion we'll refer to him as "Owen". This is not his name, I know no one of this name, and I bear no ill will toward people of this name. But anyway, Owen's a douche. That's about as simple as I can put it.

Owen's tallish (6' 2"?), thin, and perhaps slightly-above-average-looking (as a comparison, I consider myself average-looking). He's cock-sure, neither particularly smart or dumb, reasonably comfortable with who he is, and outgoing, perhaps to the point of insincerity. This is what I see from him, in the 10 or so times I've met him.

Should I hold any of this against him? No, and thanks for vicariously asking. It conveniently sets up the rest of the discussion. What I take from all of this is interpersonal relationships have always come easy for him. This is a good thing. And not something I begrudge.

I have always sucked at interpersonal relationships. I am reasonably shy, poor with names to the point where I use "sir" and "ma'am" excessively (not from lack of effort, but usually because I figured I'd not need to remember the name because why would they need/want to talk with me in the future), oftentimes too smart for my own good, and otherwise awkward in social scenarios. Why? Who knows: being overweight, being 3-4 grade levels ahead in math and reading as a student (true story, I was absent from first or second grade one day, and a kid in my class put a dictionary in my chair and joked that I was, in fact, present), failing in attempts to establish dating relationships, having those failings cause you to lose other opportunities (as an aside, when the single funniest thing anyone's said about you is "Someday I want to marry someone just like Luke", you had better make some money to pay for therapy. That makes for a great story, and hopefully, I'll get paid money to tell it someday.), etc.

What does this have to do with Owen? A few nights ago, he put a mozzarella cheese stick and two hard-boiled eggs in a latex glove to make a penis and testicles. This made people laugh at work. I didn't. It's a throwaway gag, picking up something in a moment of boredom simply because he couldn't find anything better or more important. And if people didn't laugh, he would have thrown it away, and tried something else. Because it's a luxury he can afford. If funny's not working, go with plan B. Or C. Or F.

As a kid, getting made fun of sucks. And there are many different ways of coping. I realized that the kids who made fun of me weren't very funny, or original, or for that matter any good at making fun of me. I was better at it. Smarter. Funnier. Quicker. So that's how I coped: I made fun of myself, I made fun of other things, even other people (hypocritical, yes, but I always made sure I came after myself with more vitriol. I will always be my easiest and most frequent target.). This realization was the start of what I am, and, for lack of a better phrasing, is the image I present to the world.

Humor is my talent. People I can't make laugh don't stay in my circle for very long. It's why I try so hard to make people laugh. It's why I try so many jokes that die slow and painful deaths. I depend on humor. I will yield to the floor I'm intelligent. But I counter with this: I use my intelligence for humor more than anything else. When I've impressed someone with intelligence, it has always meant more to me if that impression is relayed to me with a smile; as if my knowing what actress played what character on Baywatch is as laughable as it is remarkable.

What infuriates me most is when someone devalues humor. I've worked on it the whole of my life. It means more to me than any other talent, skill, ability, or character trait that I'll ever have. And Owen, and people like him, who can simply do something infantile without a thought process, without an art for the craft, and entertain the brutes with it devalue what I hold most dear.

I don't hate people. I can't stand Owen. I repeat, I think he's a douche. So why and how did this simple act of blue "comedy" rile me so? Is it jealousy? Envy? Frustration? I don't know. I suppose it could be. Whatever it is, I guess it's humorous. I'm not laughing much, though. You probably guessed that.

I had the opportunity to go into an actual German U-Boat in a museum a couple of years ago. It's dark, cramped, uncomfortable; an altogether unpleasant place to be. But once you're in there, all you can do is grease up the chute and get ready to fire the torpedoes. Make the best of what's around. So here I am: Luke's all greased and ready.

Fire in the hole.

And While we're on the topic of Easter...

Those of you who know me know that I'm never afraid of the most circuitous route. Match this with my occasional dogged determination, and you'll understand why I'm not afraid to take my time when I shop. If I want to buy something specific, I'm going to buy just that thing, regardless of where I have to go to buy it. Oh, and I'm going to want a good price, because that's important.

So, with today being the day after Easter, it can mean only one thing... the 27th Annual Rego Family Day After Easter Half-Off Candy Purchasing Eggstravadanza. As a young lad, my mother would take me with her to her favorite candy store, the Fanny Farmer (giggity) in, I believe, the Warwick Mall in beautiful Warwick, RI. They discounted their remaining Easter candy stock the Monday after Easter, and she would buy what were, back then, somewhat expensive chocolate, cream-filled eggs at low, low, closeout prices. And ever since, I've always made sure that this sacred holiday still had meaning in our family; never to be taken over by the crass overcommercialization of Easter. We don't buy baskets or Easter grass. The candy is never hidden. And, for the love of creation, no Marshmallow Peeps. If my family wants to eat something shaped like a chicken, we'll eat a chicken.

So I poured myself into the Natural Blogmobile and was off to Target, a store known for grossly overestimating the amount of any seasonal items its customers wish to purchase. And while there were bags of Reester bunnies (see, it's funny because they combined the words Reese's and Easter), both M&M's and W&W's (the shelves were not so neat), and scads of Marshmallow Peeps (really, Peeps people, teal?? Brick Red?? If Jesus knew about this he'd be rolling back the boulder in front of his grave...), the only post-Easter candy that matters was nary to be found... yes, Dear Natural Blogojeviches, NO CADBURY CREME EGGS.

(here, let's all take a moment for quiet self-reflection)



I had to go to four stores today before finding 50% off Cadbury Eggs today. 4. That's exactly 3 too many. Which means too many people are on to this scheme. And I've got to say that this not only hurts me deeply, it offends me. The holidays are sacred in my family: much like the Masters they are a tradition unlike any other. I get the feeling that some of the people who celebrated the 27th Annual Rego Family Day After Easter Half-Off Candy Purchasing Eggstravadanza may have also celebrated Easter. That's not fair. Look, some of us get Easter, some of us (atheists, agnostics, Jews-in-training, the Northeastern Liberal Elite) don't. But it's wrong to punish those of us who choose to only celebrate one holiday by bogarting all the cheap candy. So here's the proposition: Division of Holidays.

It's a work in progress, to be sure. But here's a start.

You get Easter, we get Half-Off Candy Monday.

You get Black Friday, we get Thanksgiving.

You get Lent, we get Fat Tuesday AND St. Patrick's day.

We can share Christmas, you get Boxing Day, New Year's Eve AND the Twelve Days of Christmas, we get Hanukkah and New Year's Day.

You get President's Day, Valentine's Day, Columbus Day, MLK's Birthday and all the Somebodies Days (Mother's, Father's, Grandparents, Secretaries, Take Your Kids Somewhere Day, etc.) we get Memorial Day, Labor Day, the Fourth of July, Halloween and Super Bowl Sunday.

We can negotiate some of this, but I think it's a good start. And don't get me wrong, it's not that we can't celebrate each other's holidays, it's just that we have to take turns. If it's your holiday, you get precedence. We'll work at restaurants on Easter, you drive our drunk carcasses home on St. Patrick's Day. This is the way life works in the real world. Not everyone gets Christmas off, so the people who work on Christmas don't work on Christmas Eve. We all get along, and I get easy access to cheap candy.

(Yup. A long way to go for a 35 cent piece of candy. But it's not like I didn't warn you.)

Cuidado!! El Residentes de los Countito del Osceola!

An odd news story has just come across the wire that may be of special interest to some of our loyal readers at the Natural Blog... apparently many thousands of cows in Osceola County, Florida, have been the victim of what would appear to be a biting bandit. Although no one has actually seen the bandit, local reports have said that the bandit is hairless, attacks cows only at the porterhouse cuts, and screams something that sounds like "Lent is over! Lent is over!"

A Call to Arms.

I can't take it anymore. I've tried to be hopeful. I've tried to be silent. I've tried frustration, anger, desperation, rationalization: in short; I've tried everything. But enough is enough.

There is a scourge that has overcome our nation.

It is worse than Bernie Madoff, AIG, artificial turf, the Snuggie, the Mexican drug war, and the sweat between the folds of fat under Rush Limbaugh's man-bazongas combined. (by the way, try googling man-bazongas. I had better be the first website to come up.)

It threatens to sabotage the memories of two generations of American society. It could, in fact, be the greatest threat to our freedom. Ever.

But it has a name, and with any luck, it has an antidote.

What is it? Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.

If you've not yet watched the show, imagine, if you will, if your goofiest friend got paid an exorbitant amount of money to singlehandedly destroy the show that, for three decades gave us some of the most innovative, silliest, esoteric, and iconic humor in American history. Calvert DeForest is rolling over in his grave. The confetti cannons fire no more. The masturbating bear has lost his sex drive. Even the Walker lever can't kick enough ass to save us.

Normally, we are a forgiving nation, and we would give him the benefit of the doubt. Sure, his comedy bits misfire. Sure, his interviews are an uncomfortable cross between immature, unprepared, and awful. Sure, he's turned one of the coolest bands in the world, the Roots, into tonight's entertainment in the Starlite Lounge at the Ramada Inn Piscataway (really, look at the face of Roots' drummer ?uestlove sometime. He looks like he's waiting for someone at NBC to not pay him in cash one night so it will invalidate his contract). But there is only so much we can take.

On the episode that aired at 12:35 a.m. EDT March 26th, Jimmy and crew decided to prepare a comedy bit wherein Jimmy would show the audience the local network promos he shoots every night. OK, it could be worse. It's not like he offered someone ten bucks to lick an all-in-one printer/copier/scanner. Each city's clip started with a graphic marker listing things like the city, the date, etc. The second promo was for the city of San Luis Obispo, California. Only Jimmy, his writers, the control room, and the graphics department failed to notice that they spelled it "Saint Louis Obispo".

FOR CHRISSAKES!!!!!!!

Look, Jimmy Fallon seems like a nice guy. I might even want him as a friend if I got to know him. And most of us haven't committed a crime motivated by the fact that his laughing ruined almost every sketch he was ever in on SNL (go back and watch More Cowbell. He has one line. One. Line. And he laughs. It almost wrecks the moment). But if what we can only assume is millions of dollars of yearly salary can't friggin' spell the name of a US city with a 2006 estimated population of 42,963, then they all deserved to be fired. That's amateur. Great comedy comes from people who don't appear to be trying, yet dedicate their lives, hearts, and souls to their art. Stupidity comes from those who don't try, because they think it's a convenient way to cut corners.

So, accepting the conceit that Jimmy Fallon and company must be fired is one thing. But if we've learned anything from our government as of late, it's that every problem, no matter how catastrophically stupid, must have a bailout plan. That is where I, and most importantly, you come in.

For us, it starts with a man named Stanley Milgram. Milgram conducted a "small world" experiment, giving letters to people in Nebraska and Kansas, and asking them to get them to a man in Boston. If they didn't personally know the man, they were to send the letter to someone more likely to know the person. The results suggested that it took on average 5.5 steps to get the letter from middle America to the east coast. This is one of the ways we developed the phrase Six Degrees of Separation.

We must replace Jimmy Fallon. And I know I can count on the handfuls of readers I do have to spread the word. If you tell everyone you know to read this blog, and pass on the blog to everyone they know, we will have the late night coup d'etat that we demand and deserve.

But who will take over Late Night...? Who will do right by the legacy of Letterman and O'Brien? Who will bring irreverence back to our homes? Who will spell the names of cities and towns correctly? Who will make the bad men go away? Who will make staying up late funny again?

Me. Luke Francis Patrick Rego I, esq.

I will save late night. I have a friend who is the lead singer of a rocking band. And if I promise him he'll never have to work at a pirate-themed dinner show again, he'll get the rest of the group to fall in line. My sister is the perfect sidekick, introducing the male/female dynamic that a late night show hasn't had since Magic Johnson and Sheila E. I have friends who'll serve as writers, performers, and copy editors. And they'll do it for the pre-determined, union-negotiated rate.

As for my demands, all I want is full creative control, $1,000,000 a year, and an apartment in Manhattan (in a cool, upscale neighborhood). Plus, I'll even play ball and have the stars of NBC's highly rated shows as guests. And once I have that guy on, I'll have real, live famous people on. ZINGER!!

Friends, I will not fail. I will create jobs for the people who deserve them most, namely, my family, friends, and the loyal readers of this here blog. But I will need your help. And maybe some of your money (but only in the increments of whatever the hell a stamp costs these days).

I want you, loyal readers, to bombard NBC with letters calling for the end of the Reign of Terror that is Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, and usher in the era of change, hope, and love that will be Late Night with Luke Rego. Of course, NBC, being the sinking ship that it is, makes it nearly impossible to find a mailing address on their website. E-mails are great, but they lack that personal touch. I suppose you could just send your letters to...

Fire Jimmy Fallon, Hire Luke Rego
c/o NBC Late Night Programming
30 Rockefeller Plaza,
New York, NY 10112-0015

But why stop there.

Fire Jimmy Fallon, Hire Luke Rego
c/o Jeffery R. Immelt, Chairman and CEO
General Electric Company
Fairfield, CT 06828

Be polite, but firm. Extol my virtues. Be truthful, but glowing. Maybe even tell a little white lie or two. Say Amy Poehler is funny. Say the Today show should extend to 5 hours. Say you'll start watching 30 Rock. Imagine a million letters all looking for the change that we voted for last year. Why allow the privileged few to decide who preserves the storied history of American late night comedy? You have the power to change things. Until I become the host, at which time we'll be happy with the status quo.

O, mighty legions of the Natural Blog, your time is now. Do not fail us. Do not fail America.

The Recession is Over!!

Yes, indeed. You heard it hear first. And I'm a reliable source: I've used 100% less addictive painkillers than Rush Limbaugh.

For those of you not paying attention to the stock market (probably transfixed by the World Baseball Classic-- understandable), the Dow Jones Industrial Average has closed up for the past three days. Gainers have included Citigroup and GM. Everything is OK. This is probably the longest sustained period of economic growth since 2007. We're gonna make it, baby!!!

I feel like buying something big, shiny, loud, and useless. Kind of like Rush Limbaugh coming off a Oxycontin bender. God, it's good to have him back in our lives.

the Minor Annoyances of Life

Seriously, folks. 7 characters should be long enough for a password. With letters and numbers, there are 78,364,164,096 possible passwords. I know some not-getting-laid dweeb can probably crack my normal 7 character password in 13.2 seconds, but I don't really care. Let me use my normal password, America.

just a couple of quick hitters tonight...

• If you're ready to topple an empire, and I know you are, use all of your 13 weekly Dancing with the Stars votes on Steve Wozniak. Tell everyone you know.
• The Netherlands-Dominican Republic WBC game last night was fantastic. Or, as the rest of you just read, Lpuisdhguh diufhud paiiaf oiehtohdd oihdhn'a JKDJK sudhgp aoisdhfma. So this one was just for me, I really don't care.
• The Patriots just signed Shawn Springs. Which is a big deal in 2000.
• The Bruins just traded for Mark Recchi. See Above.
• The Celtics just signed Stephon Marbury. Which is kind of like walking into your workplace, and finding out your boss decided that the really big project you're working on needs help, and he convinced Any Winehouse to join your team.

I know this blog reaches literally 6 people. But get ready for an action-packed few weeks, including baseball previews, politics, and a road trip (Pardon me, boys...).

The Looming Sickness

It's good to be back, kids.

So after the fabulosity that was Oscar weekend, I did sort of disappear from the blog a little bit. In all fairness, I was sick. And yes, it was the kind of sickness that effects manual dexterity and motor skills, thereby leaving me unable to move my fingers. Thank you for thinking.

But most of the ill effects wore off for the weekend, where I got to spend some time with some real salt of the earth people. Dorks. Nerds. The kind of people who think nothing of travelling hundreds of miles to compete in a trivia tournament. You know, the cool kids from high school.

Trivia tournaments (and let's not kid ourselves, even college brain bowl events are trivia tournaments, except without bartenders) are great places to hang out. The people are genuine, fun to talk to, and there's almost always someone there who gets laid less frequently than you. But if there's one area in which we really shine, it's arguing whether a question is right or wrong. There's nothing better than the protest. Someone's probably going to end up upset. Someone's ego will end up being deflated, because either their protest isn't upheld, thereby proving they're wrong; or the almighty question writer, with a library of reference materials at hand, will have to admit they screwed up.

In my days of playing and moderating at these events, I've been on both sides of the coin. Most of the time, due diligence spent in writing and editing questions would eliminate most protests. AAAARGH!! This was and is always what killed me. How in the hell can we fix our economy when the dorks of America aren't setting the right example for our children? If anal-retentive nerds don't take the necessary steps to fix problems before they happen, what hope does the world have?

Tough Cookies, Tony Danza!

...but I'm the boss here.

For the handful of you paying attention (so far), you'll notice I removed my diatribe about A-Rod, steroids, integrity, and other such nonsense. Why, you ask? Because I can.

It doesn't fit with what I want this blog to be about. This is supposed to be fun. At least to me. There's a time and a place for me to thinly veil my vitriol toward the hypocrisy of modern life. And, in looking at some of the things I wrote, I realize that I probably didn't quite master some of the finer aspects of word choice. So kiss it goodbye. That's how we'll roll.

It's time to take the weekend off for the Oscars. Yup. And while you're sitting down, I'll drop this shocker on you. I'll be all alone when I go to sleep Sunday night.

Welcome to the Future (The Three Years Ago Edition)

Consider a moment in time. Now let's imagine it's 1962. You've wandered into a small club which seems cavernous in nature. A band you've never heard of is about to take the stage, and change the course of music as we know it. As the guitarist strums the first chord, you know nothing will ever be the same. Can you imagine it?

Impressive, isn't it?

I'd like to think that this might be an occurrence of a similar magnitude. But, let's be real here, folks. I'm almost certain I'm not wired to deliver on that kind of promise. So, instead, let's hope for something attainable. I'm not going to recreate the magic of the Beatles. But who's to say that this can't be like the first time you heard... Procol Harum? Serviceable enough to still play county fairs, maybe share a bill with the Marshall Tucker Band or Iron Butterfly, maybe some five year old concert footage of theirs will turn up on one of those PBS "My Generation" pledge drive specials. And maybe, just maybe, I'll crank out "Whiter Shade of Pale" once or twice.

Come with me now, won't you?