A Call to Arms.

I can't take it anymore. I've tried to be hopeful. I've tried to be silent. I've tried frustration, anger, desperation, rationalization: in short; I've tried everything. But enough is enough.

There is a scourge that has overcome our nation.

It is worse than Bernie Madoff, AIG, artificial turf, the Snuggie, the Mexican drug war, and the sweat between the folds of fat under Rush Limbaugh's man-bazongas combined. (by the way, try googling man-bazongas. I had better be the first website to come up.)

It threatens to sabotage the memories of two generations of American society. It could, in fact, be the greatest threat to our freedom. Ever.

But it has a name, and with any luck, it has an antidote.

What is it? Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.

If you've not yet watched the show, imagine, if you will, if your goofiest friend got paid an exorbitant amount of money to singlehandedly destroy the show that, for three decades gave us some of the most innovative, silliest, esoteric, and iconic humor in American history. Calvert DeForest is rolling over in his grave. The confetti cannons fire no more. The masturbating bear has lost his sex drive. Even the Walker lever can't kick enough ass to save us.

Normally, we are a forgiving nation, and we would give him the benefit of the doubt. Sure, his comedy bits misfire. Sure, his interviews are an uncomfortable cross between immature, unprepared, and awful. Sure, he's turned one of the coolest bands in the world, the Roots, into tonight's entertainment in the Starlite Lounge at the Ramada Inn Piscataway (really, look at the face of Roots' drummer ?uestlove sometime. He looks like he's waiting for someone at NBC to not pay him in cash one night so it will invalidate his contract). But there is only so much we can take.

On the episode that aired at 12:35 a.m. EDT March 26th, Jimmy and crew decided to prepare a comedy bit wherein Jimmy would show the audience the local network promos he shoots every night. OK, it could be worse. It's not like he offered someone ten bucks to lick an all-in-one printer/copier/scanner. Each city's clip started with a graphic marker listing things like the city, the date, etc. The second promo was for the city of San Luis Obispo, California. Only Jimmy, his writers, the control room, and the graphics department failed to notice that they spelled it "Saint Louis Obispo".

FOR CHRISSAKES!!!!!!!

Look, Jimmy Fallon seems like a nice guy. I might even want him as a friend if I got to know him. And most of us haven't committed a crime motivated by the fact that his laughing ruined almost every sketch he was ever in on SNL (go back and watch More Cowbell. He has one line. One. Line. And he laughs. It almost wrecks the moment). But if what we can only assume is millions of dollars of yearly salary can't friggin' spell the name of a US city with a 2006 estimated population of 42,963, then they all deserved to be fired. That's amateur. Great comedy comes from people who don't appear to be trying, yet dedicate their lives, hearts, and souls to their art. Stupidity comes from those who don't try, because they think it's a convenient way to cut corners.

So, accepting the conceit that Jimmy Fallon and company must be fired is one thing. But if we've learned anything from our government as of late, it's that every problem, no matter how catastrophically stupid, must have a bailout plan. That is where I, and most importantly, you come in.

For us, it starts with a man named Stanley Milgram. Milgram conducted a "small world" experiment, giving letters to people in Nebraska and Kansas, and asking them to get them to a man in Boston. If they didn't personally know the man, they were to send the letter to someone more likely to know the person. The results suggested that it took on average 5.5 steps to get the letter from middle America to the east coast. This is one of the ways we developed the phrase Six Degrees of Separation.

We must replace Jimmy Fallon. And I know I can count on the handfuls of readers I do have to spread the word. If you tell everyone you know to read this blog, and pass on the blog to everyone they know, we will have the late night coup d'etat that we demand and deserve.

But who will take over Late Night...? Who will do right by the legacy of Letterman and O'Brien? Who will bring irreverence back to our homes? Who will spell the names of cities and towns correctly? Who will make the bad men go away? Who will make staying up late funny again?

Me. Luke Francis Patrick Rego I, esq.

I will save late night. I have a friend who is the lead singer of a rocking band. And if I promise him he'll never have to work at a pirate-themed dinner show again, he'll get the rest of the group to fall in line. My sister is the perfect sidekick, introducing the male/female dynamic that a late night show hasn't had since Magic Johnson and Sheila E. I have friends who'll serve as writers, performers, and copy editors. And they'll do it for the pre-determined, union-negotiated rate.

As for my demands, all I want is full creative control, $1,000,000 a year, and an apartment in Manhattan (in a cool, upscale neighborhood). Plus, I'll even play ball and have the stars of NBC's highly rated shows as guests. And once I have that guy on, I'll have real, live famous people on. ZINGER!!

Friends, I will not fail. I will create jobs for the people who deserve them most, namely, my family, friends, and the loyal readers of this here blog. But I will need your help. And maybe some of your money (but only in the increments of whatever the hell a stamp costs these days).

I want you, loyal readers, to bombard NBC with letters calling for the end of the Reign of Terror that is Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, and usher in the era of change, hope, and love that will be Late Night with Luke Rego. Of course, NBC, being the sinking ship that it is, makes it nearly impossible to find a mailing address on their website. E-mails are great, but they lack that personal touch. I suppose you could just send your letters to...

Fire Jimmy Fallon, Hire Luke Rego
c/o NBC Late Night Programming
30 Rockefeller Plaza,
New York, NY 10112-0015

But why stop there.

Fire Jimmy Fallon, Hire Luke Rego
c/o Jeffery R. Immelt, Chairman and CEO
General Electric Company
Fairfield, CT 06828

Be polite, but firm. Extol my virtues. Be truthful, but glowing. Maybe even tell a little white lie or two. Say Amy Poehler is funny. Say the Today show should extend to 5 hours. Say you'll start watching 30 Rock. Imagine a million letters all looking for the change that we voted for last year. Why allow the privileged few to decide who preserves the storied history of American late night comedy? You have the power to change things. Until I become the host, at which time we'll be happy with the status quo.

O, mighty legions of the Natural Blog, your time is now. Do not fail us. Do not fail America.

The Recession is Over!!

Yes, indeed. You heard it hear first. And I'm a reliable source: I've used 100% less addictive painkillers than Rush Limbaugh.

For those of you not paying attention to the stock market (probably transfixed by the World Baseball Classic-- understandable), the Dow Jones Industrial Average has closed up for the past three days. Gainers have included Citigroup and GM. Everything is OK. This is probably the longest sustained period of economic growth since 2007. We're gonna make it, baby!!!

I feel like buying something big, shiny, loud, and useless. Kind of like Rush Limbaugh coming off a Oxycontin bender. God, it's good to have him back in our lives.

the Minor Annoyances of Life

Seriously, folks. 7 characters should be long enough for a password. With letters and numbers, there are 78,364,164,096 possible passwords. I know some not-getting-laid dweeb can probably crack my normal 7 character password in 13.2 seconds, but I don't really care. Let me use my normal password, America.

just a couple of quick hitters tonight...

• If you're ready to topple an empire, and I know you are, use all of your 13 weekly Dancing with the Stars votes on Steve Wozniak. Tell everyone you know.
• The Netherlands-Dominican Republic WBC game last night was fantastic. Or, as the rest of you just read, Lpuisdhguh diufhud paiiaf oiehtohdd oihdhn'a JKDJK sudhgp aoisdhfma. So this one was just for me, I really don't care.
• The Patriots just signed Shawn Springs. Which is a big deal in 2000.
• The Bruins just traded for Mark Recchi. See Above.
• The Celtics just signed Stephon Marbury. Which is kind of like walking into your workplace, and finding out your boss decided that the really big project you're working on needs help, and he convinced Any Winehouse to join your team.

I know this blog reaches literally 6 people. But get ready for an action-packed few weeks, including baseball previews, politics, and a road trip (Pardon me, boys...).

The Looming Sickness

It's good to be back, kids.

So after the fabulosity that was Oscar weekend, I did sort of disappear from the blog a little bit. In all fairness, I was sick. And yes, it was the kind of sickness that effects manual dexterity and motor skills, thereby leaving me unable to move my fingers. Thank you for thinking.

But most of the ill effects wore off for the weekend, where I got to spend some time with some real salt of the earth people. Dorks. Nerds. The kind of people who think nothing of travelling hundreds of miles to compete in a trivia tournament. You know, the cool kids from high school.

Trivia tournaments (and let's not kid ourselves, even college brain bowl events are trivia tournaments, except without bartenders) are great places to hang out. The people are genuine, fun to talk to, and there's almost always someone there who gets laid less frequently than you. But if there's one area in which we really shine, it's arguing whether a question is right or wrong. There's nothing better than the protest. Someone's probably going to end up upset. Someone's ego will end up being deflated, because either their protest isn't upheld, thereby proving they're wrong; or the almighty question writer, with a library of reference materials at hand, will have to admit they screwed up.

In my days of playing and moderating at these events, I've been on both sides of the coin. Most of the time, due diligence spent in writing and editing questions would eliminate most protests. AAAARGH!! This was and is always what killed me. How in the hell can we fix our economy when the dorks of America aren't setting the right example for our children? If anal-retentive nerds don't take the necessary steps to fix problems before they happen, what hope does the world have?