So, with today being the day after Easter, it can mean only one thing... the 27th Annual Rego Family Day After Easter Half-Off Candy Purchasing Eggstravadanza. As a young lad, my mother would take me with her to her favorite candy store, the Fanny Farmer (giggity) in, I believe, the Warwick Mall in beautiful Warwick, RI. They discounted their remaining Easter candy stock the Monday after Easter, and she would buy what were, back then, somewhat expensive chocolate, cream-filled eggs at low, low, closeout prices. And ever since, I've always made sure that this sacred holiday still had meaning in our family; never to be taken over by the crass overcommercialization of Easter. We don't buy baskets or Easter grass. The candy is never hidden. And, for the love of creation, no Marshmallow Peeps. If my family wants to eat something shaped like a chicken, we'll eat a chicken.
So I poured myself into the Natural Blogmobile and was off to Target, a store known for grossly overestimating the amount of any seasonal items its customers wish to purchase. And while there were bags of Reester bunnies (see, it's funny because they combined the words Reese's and Easter), both M&M's and W&W's (the shelves were not so neat), and scads of Marshmallow Peeps (really, Peeps people, teal?? Brick Red?? If Jesus knew about this he'd be rolling back the boulder in front of his grave...), the only post-Easter candy that matters was nary to be found... yes, Dear Natural Blogojeviches, NO CADBURY CREME EGGS.
I had to go to four stores today before finding 50% off Cadbury Eggs today. 4. That's exactly 3 too many. Which means too many people are on to this scheme. And I've got to say that this not only hurts me deeply, it offends me. The holidays are sacred in my family: much like the Masters they are a tradition unlike any other. I get the feeling that some of the people who celebrated the 27th Annual Rego Family Day After Easter Half-Off Candy Purchasing Eggstravadanza may have also celebrated Easter. That's not fair. Look, some of us get Easter, some of us (atheists, agnostics, Jews-in-training, the Northeastern Liberal Elite) don't. But it's wrong to punish those of us who choose to only celebrate one holiday by bogarting all the cheap candy. So here's the proposition: Division of Holidays.
It's a work in progress, to be sure. But here's a start.
You get Easter, we get Half-Off Candy Monday.
You get Black Friday, we get Thanksgiving.
You get Lent, we get Fat Tuesday AND St. Patrick's day.
We can share Christmas, you get Boxing Day, New Year's Eve AND the Twelve Days of Christmas, we get Hanukkah and New Year's Day.
You get President's Day, Valentine's Day, Columbus Day, MLK's Birthday and all the Somebodies Days (Mother's, Father's, Grandparents, Secretaries, Take Your Kids Somewhere Day, etc.) we get Memorial Day, Labor Day, the Fourth of July, Halloween and Super Bowl Sunday.
We can negotiate some of this, but I think it's a good start. And don't get me wrong, it's not that we can't celebrate each other's holidays, it's just that we have to take turns. If it's your holiday, you get precedence. We'll work at restaurants on Easter, you drive our drunk carcasses home on St. Patrick's Day. This is the way life works in the real world. Not everyone gets Christmas off, so the people who work on Christmas don't work on Christmas Eve. We all get along, and I get easy access to cheap candy.
(Yup. A long way to go for a 35 cent piece of candy. But it's not like I didn't warn you.)
