Dammit, Aretha

I suppose it would be a fair assessment to say that I've been in a slump. I haven't been in the best of moods, I'm not producing any work of value, I'm in a rut. Pure and simple.

If I were a baseball team, it would be time to go slumpbusting. If you're not familiar with the term, it involves convincing a member of the team to go into a bar and, usually, find the biggest woman he can find, and get to know her biblically. But since Aretha Franklin won't return my calls, I've decided to go old school.

Those of you who know me may not know all of my history. When I used to work at MegaHappyCorp, I gained a reputation for topical, rapid-fire sarcasm (please note, none of those previous adjectives refer to the relative quality of the efforts. I'm out of the promising quality business. Well, except for Corky's Super Guaranteed 100% 67 star All-Winners Football Picks, coming soon to this space). Of course, lacking for originality, I often borrowed other formats for my humor. I would write the occasional song parody (one of which is actually NOT lost to history, but has a limited audience which, luckily for you, isn't here). But my favorite was the Top Ten List.

So, let's give this a go again. Hit me with your comments and critiques, because if I'm gonna get back on this horse, I'll need some help...

Without further ado...

Luke's Top Ten summer water park pick-up lines.

As you may or may not know, Orlando's water parks have been plagued with a rash of pedophiles sexually assaulting visitors. I thought, "Hey, why can't I get in on this action?" So here we go, kids

10. Can I put my lotion on your back?

9. Does this bulge make my Speedo look big?

8. Do you like tubing?

7. What a coincidence, I'm free on your birthday, too!!

6. And this is AFTER shrinkage!!

5. Wanna go down the Black Hole?

4. Would you like to come to my celebration of the legacy of Michael Jackson?

3. Guess what's in my Thermos? Here's a hint: it rhymes with Schmike's Hard Lemonade.

2. Let's play monorail... you be Purple and I'll be Pink.

And Luke's #1 summer water park pick-up line...

1. Gosh, you look wet.


I'll be out of the office for the next couple of days, so drop us a line, and I'll try to bring the old magic back...